


i am not in love with you, i'm just  a little lonely.

by rebellamy



Category: My Babysitter's A Vampire
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends to Lovers, High School, M/M, Mentions of Sexual Content, Slow Burn, i guess??, i haven't written fic in years i've forgotten how to tag sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:01:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26242342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rebellamy/pseuds/rebellamy
Summary: Sometimes pretending that you're alright is easier when you're not pretending alone.When Ethan finally decides to ask Sarah out on a date, Benny finds himself at an all time low without the constant company of his best friend. In an attempt to boost his spirits, and at the expense of a bet that Benny lost, Ethan suggests that he ask Erica out. The unlikely pair bond over their shared jelousy towards their friend's newfound relationship and form a rather unusual, but convienient connection.
Relationships: Erica Jones/Benny Weir, Ethan Morgan/Benny Weir, Jesse Black/Rory Keaner, Sarah Fox/Erica Jones, Sarah Fox/Ethan Morgan
Comments: 16
Kudos: 36





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written a full fic in about three years so I'm really sorry if this sucks, I just rewatched mbav and fell back in love with it and gor really inspired to write a fun twist on a "fake" dating au. Also don't be fooled, this is a bethan fic, I promise. I know it doesn't seem like it in the beginning, but give just give it a while and everything will make sense. (also the parts that look like //this// were supposed to be italicized but i couldn't get that to work so here we are)
> 
> ((also this is dedicated to kaitlyn for making me want to rewatch mbav in the first place hi kaitlyn ily)

It was a Friday afternoon, Benny was laying across Ethan’s bed while Ethan finished up some homework at his desk. Benny impatiently tapped his hands against his legs, hoping the two of them would get a chance to play some video games before Sarah came over to babysit Jane. It wasn’t that he didn’t like Sarah, Sarah was great, she was definitely way cooler than the two of them, and definitely cooler than Rory; who, to be fair, was the only one out of their friend group who was actually dating someone, but still. He was glad to have Sarah and Erica around, it made the three of them cooler by proxy, but he just missed having time for just him and his best friend. He’d take what he could get, though. 

“Dude, if you’re doing the calc homework you can just copy mine tomorrow,” Benny offered, trying to speed things along. 

“It’s English,” Ethan answered without really looking up. “Almost done.”

“Hurry up, so i can kick your ass again," Benny challenged, hoping to coerce his friend into abandoning his studies to spend time with him instead with the promise of a little friendly competition. 

“Like hell you will,” Ethan countered with a laugh, spinning around quickly in his desk chair at the challenge. 

Four rounds into Mortal Kombat and Ethan had yet to come close to winning, which Benny would be sure to gloat about, but he’d be lying if he said it didn’t worry him. Ethan was never this bad, he had to have something else on his mind. 

“Not that I’m not loving all this free glory, but you seem distracted,” Benny observed, setting his controller down. “Everything good?” 

“Yeah, just thinking,” Ethan nodded, abandoning his focus on the screen and discarding his controller, too. “I think I might finally ask Sarah out tonight.” 

Benny does his best to withhold his gasp of disbelief. “Seriously?” 

“Yeah, we’ve been getting a lot closer and I think i’m ready, I think I might actually have a chance.” He sounded confident, but Benny wasn’t quite convinced. Or maybe he just didn’t want to be convinced. 

“No offense E, but I’m not sure I’m buying it.” He thinks it over for a minute while Ethan is busy rolling his eyes and manages to come up with a plan. “How about a wager?” 

He knows betting makes Ethan super nervous, and if there were any sure-fire way to prolong the Sarah-less time he gets to spend with his best friend, this was it. Either Ethan would turn him down and be so stressed out by the prospect of a bet that he’d flake on asking her on his own and turn down the wager, or he’d accept, and he’d likely still flake under pressure. Genius. 

“Fine,” Ethan announces, unsuspectedly. “What are your terms, then?” 

Benny hadn’t really expected him to take the bait, so he hadn’t exactly thought of what the terms of the bet would be before proposing it. He’s quick enough in his feet to come up with something that could at least earn him some cash at the expense of Ethan’s bruised confidence. 

“50 bucks if you can’t ask her out before the end of the night?” He suggests, feeling only kind of shitty for taking financial advantage of his friend’s lack of game. 

“Fine, sure. What happens when I do ask her?” 

//I’ll lose my best friend because he’ll be so caught up in finally getting the girl of his dreams that he’ll forget I exist.//

“Uh, I don’t know, dude, you pick. I’m not too worried about it,” Benny replied with a forced grin.  
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Benny woke up Saturday around noon to what seems like a million texts from Ethan, which would usually make him smile, but now filled his stomach with dread. 

He’d asked her, and it was clear from Ethan's genrous use of caps lock and keysmashes that she had said yes. 

Benny knew he should be happy for his friend, he should be ecstatic that Ethan was finally getting what he’d waited for the past three years of high school, but he couldn’t shake the sinking feeling in his gut as he read over the texts again and again. He tried to tell himself he was only disappointed because he’d lost the bet, but he wasn’t a very good liar. He already felt like he was losing Ethan. 

He figured he should call and congratulate him anyway. 

“I hear there’s congratulations in order,” Benny said with a sigh of defeat, hoping Ethan takes it as disappointment over the bet rather than anything else. 

“I’m still kind of shaking, can’t believe she said yes.” The happiness in his tone was bittersweet music to Benny’s ears. 

“That’s- that’s really great, man.” He took a second to clear his throat. He didn’t want to mention his end of the bargain, there was no telling what kind of cruel and unusual punishment Ethan might come up with when his spirits were so high. So instead he just asked, “What’s the plan?” 

“Um, I think we’re going bowling tonight,” Ethan said, nerves creeping into his voice as his reality settled in. “And probably for pizza or ice cream or something. I wanted to take her somewhere nice but I don’t want to put too much pressure on it. It’s just our first date.” 

“Nice.” there was a pause that Benny hoped didn’t seem awkward. “Want to hang out for a while before you go?” 

“I think I’m gonna get ready, I want to look nice.” 

“For bowling and pizza? Sarah’s already seen like ninety-nine percent of your wardrobe anyway,” He countered, trying not to sound too annoyed. “Guess i could come help you find something less dorkish, if you want.” 

He couldn’t really say much about Ethan’s style choices, he wasn’t exactly super fashionable himself, but he was grasping at straws, frankly. 

“I may have already picked up a few things with blind hope she’d say yes. Sorry for not asking you to tag along, I just didn’t want to psych myself out any worse than I already was.” 

“No, I get it, it's totally fine,” Benny assured him, running a hand through his hair. “Have fun later, guess I’ll see you around.” 

“Thanks, I’ll text you after, okay? Let you know how it goes.” 

“Yeah, sure. Good luck, dude.” 

Benny hung up, gently tossing his phone onto his bed, and let out out a deep breath. He shouldn’t worry about being ditched today. They hang out practically every day, today was just important for Ethan, he could understand that. 

So why did he still feel like shit? 

He sat around and stewed in his weird mood for a few hours before deciding to ask Rory to hang out so he didn’t drive himself completely crazy. He couldn’t remember the last Saturday he’d spent by himself.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Rory ended up crashing at Benny’s after a pretty intense night of gaming. It would have been nice to have Ethan there, but Rory was a lot easier to beat. 

He was kind of grateful Rory’s boyfriend Jesse lived out of town; he knew it had to suck for Rory but at least now with Ethan potentially dating Sarah, he would at least have someone to hang out with every now and then. They slept through most of Sunday until Benny’s grandma insisted they both get up and clean all the discarded snacks from the room. 

He hadn’t had the chance to check his phone much the night before, having spent most of it with his eyes glued to the screen, thankful for the welcome distraction. But now it’s hard to miss the collection of excited notifications littering his lockscreen. He had to suppress a groan, pressing the lock button and tucking his phone back under his pillow. Maybe he could put off hearing about all the fun Ethan was having without him on Monday. 

“Woah, Ethan finally asked Sarah out?” Rory asked, holding a garbage bag full of pizza crusts in one hand, his phone in the other. 

“Oh, yeah he did,” Benny said, hoping to just brush it off and move on before Rory got the wrong idea. 

“Jealous?” Rory asked, waggling his eyebrows. 

“Of Sarah? Dude, no way,” Benny answered, already on the defensive. 

“No! Not of Sarah doofus, of Ethan. ’Cause he got a date with a girl before you could.” 

Benny just rolls his eyes. “I could if I wanted to.” 

“I thought there was like some magic rule about not using it for love or personal gain or something,” Rory chuckled, reaching up to catch an empty can of energy drink Benny was tossing his way. 

“Oh, fuck off,” Benny chuckled, picking up a few more cans from the floor. “When have I ever followed the magic rules anyway?” He raised his eyebrows and Rory shruged in agreement. 

They finish up cleaning and Benny tries to think about anything else. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Monday rolled around, slowly but surely, and Benny still hadn’t read Ethan’s texts from Saturday night. He figureed Ethan would update him on the way to school, so he just doesn’t bother reading them. 

It’s his week to drive so he’s sitting in his car in Ethan’s driveway, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel along to the music while he waits for his friend. 

Ethan comes outside with a radiant smile on his face, waving good morning, first to Benny’s grandma who was having her morning tea on the porch next door, and then to Benny, making him feel strangely warm inside. 

“Mornin’, Romeo,” Benny greeted him jokingly as Ethan slid down into the passenger seat. “The date go okay?” 

Ethan nodded with a contagious grin. Benny was glad to see him this happy, at least. 

“Yeah, yeah it actually went really well.” 

“That’s...that’s really awesome. I’m happy for you,” Benny responded, keeping it short and to the point. The last thing he wanted was to make Ethan feel guilty just because he was maybe a little bit jealous of having to share his attention. “Want to come celebrate with me and Rory tonight? We missed you on Saturday.” 

“Oh, dude, sorry, I can’t tonight. Sarah wanted me to come see some movie later. Maybe tomorrow?” 

Benny’s disappointment is palpable. 

“I promise I’ll make it up to you,” Ethan says after a brief moment of semi-awkward silence. 

“Oh, no, sorry it’s totally fine. Just spaced out. Don’t worry about it.” Benny just hopes he sounds convincing enough. 

Ethan gives him a nod that seems pretty unconvinced, but they both unspokenly decide to let it drop. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A full week later, Benny has seen Ethan outside of school a total of two times. Once on wednesday for a study session at their favorite pizza place, and again on Friday, when they watched a movie at Ethan’s with Sarah and Jane, and Benny had felt like the only person who even noticed he was there was Jane. Ethan had even started riding to school with Sarah or vice versa. 

Benny was just grabbing his books for his first few classes of the day out of his locker when he heard a knock from the other side of his locker door. He scrunched up his face in confusion , peeking around the edge to find Ethan standing there, smiling brightly at him. 

“Um...hi?” He said with confusion in his voice as he closed his locker to meet the other boy's gaze. 

“You okay?” Ethan asked, his energy shifting to one of concern. 

It was getting increasingly harder for Benny to pretend he didn’t kind of resent Ethan for dating Sarah as time went on. He could only put on the supportive best friend facade for so long when it felt so much like he was being replaced. 

“Yeah, fine, just headed to class,” He answered, keeping his tone neutral. 

“I realized something this morning," Ethan states, 

//That you basically completely forgot that I exist the second you finally had a chance with Sarah, and the idea of spending one solitary second with me instead of letting me fade into the background of your fairytale high school bullshit is so unfathomable that you’d rather just cut me loose and get it over with?//

“What’s that?” He asked instead, putting the last of his things into his bag before shutting his locker and turning to face Ethan. 

“You never held up your end of the bet.” 

He wants to roll his eyes. How could any punishment be worse than getting pushed aside like a forgotten christmas present by his own best friend? 

He just shrugged and said, “Well, you never came up with anything.” 

“You’ve got to ask Erica out,” Ethan blurts out, nearly causing Benny to choke from surprise. 

“Erica?” He asked, kind of confused. Sure, he’d mentioned being into her a few times before, but not enough recently for it to warrant Ethan bringing it up. Maybe he just felt bad for him or something, Benny wasn’t sure, he just knew it didn’t really make him feel better. But still, Erica was great and a bet was still a bet, whether it made Benny feel like shit or not. “Okay, yeah, sure,” He said passively, nudging past Ethan so he could head to class. 

“Well don’t get too excited,” Ethan jokes, jogging a bit to catch up with Benny’s longer strides. “Didn’t you have a thing for her?” 

Yeah, Benny things, freshman year. 

Strangely, Benny couldn’t quite remember the last time he’d truly had a thing for anyone. 

“Yeah, yeah she’s cool,” Benny agreed. “She’s really pretty.” 

“Then ask her! You seem really bummed lately, I thought this might cheer you up,” the other boy countered, patting Benny on the shoulder. “You deserve something really great, dude.” 

“Okay.” he nodded. “I’ll uh, probably wait and ask her after lunch.” 

“Smart,” Ethan chuckled, releasing his shoulder. “Later.” 

And then he was alone again.


	2. Chapter 2

Lunch came and went and Benny felt significantly more shitty about the whole situation. He should want to ask Erica, he should be excited. He thought, hoped even, that maybe this awful feeling in his chest could be chalked up to nerves. Typically, the worst thing that could happen in the case of rejection from a girl would be the rejection, but Erica could easily kick his ass. 

He spotted her over at her locker, trying her best to fix her lipstick without the ability to actually see herself in the tiny mirror she had fixed onto the inside of her locker door. 

He could probably count on one hand how many times he’s actually interacted with Erica one on one without one of their other friends present, so to say he’s unsure of how to approach her would be a fantastic understatement. Still, against his better judgment, he rolls his shoulders a few times, taking a deep breath before making his way over to her. 

Just as he’s opening his mouth to say hello, she whips her head around, her signature scowl practically piercing straight through him. 

“Hey?” He choked out, raising his hand in an innocent wave. “Did I interrupt something?” 

“No,” she responded with a shrug, her features softening into an expression more smug than sinister. “Just not used to seeing you without the other village idiot attached to your hip.” 

“Yeah, he uh, he’s kind of preoccupied lately,” Benny explained, nervously scratching the back of his neck. 

“Ugh, tell me about it. Sarah’s been more of a ghost this past week than a vampire. She completely ditched our movie Monday date last week and saw it with Ethan instead,” Erica said, annoyance clear in her voice. Benny actually found himself overflowing with relief that at least he wasn’t alone in how he felt about the situation. 

“We could go,” He spit out quickly. “To see the movie I mean. I mean I guess we can, if you’re not busy. I am obviously not.” 

She rolled her eyes at him, but there wasn't really any heat behind it. “Only if you’re buying.” 

“‘Course. I’ll even get us garlic butter popcorn,” He jokes, trying to remain light hearted even though his weird mood hadn't had much improvement even despite the lack of rejection. 

She just shoved him in the shoulder, her scowl returning to her face. He figures it could be worse. 

“Kidding, I’m kidding,” He assured her, backing away before she can continue her assault on his shoulder. 

“Whatever,” She dismissed him, closing her locker and tucking her books into her side. “It’s a date then.” 

“Oh,” Benny said, startled by her choice of words. Of course, he’d intended it as a date because those were Ethan’s terms, but somehow the finality of Erica herself referring to it at a date made his stomach churn unpleasantly. “Right, yeah, a date. Just the two of us. Alone...on a date.” The word even tastes funny coming out of his own mouth. 

“Don’t make it weird,” She demanded, pushing past him towards her next class. “Just pick me up at seven.” 

Benny just nodded before heading off to class himself. He’d pictured this before, in like freshman year, when he supposed he could say he was infatuated at least with the idea of Erica, and he’d always thought it’d be a little more romantic, or at the very least satisfying. Maybe being friends with her just kind of ruined the chase, but regardless he didn’t feel anything like what he thought he was supposed to feel leading up to a date with someone he supposedly admired. 

“So?” Ethan asked suddenly, seeming to come out of nowhere behind him, startling Benny. “Did you ask her?” 

“Yeah, I did. We’re seeing a movie tonight,” he answered, turning around to face him but not meeting Ethan’s eyes. 

“That’s great, it’ll be great for you, I think,” Ethan said, sounding like he was trying to convince himself as much as he was trying to convince Benny. 

He had a theory that the only reason Ethan had told him to ask Erica out was so he’d feel less guilty about all the time he was spending with Sarah instead of with him, but thinking about that, like most things did recently, only made him feel shittier. 

“Yeah, I guess we’ll see.” 

“Let me know how it goes, okay?” Ethan says, patting his friend on the back.

Benny nods and responds, “Yeah, you got it.” 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Benny had been to Erica’s house a few times before, but every time he’s more surprised at how much it does not match her personality. There was a white picket fence out front and a garden full of little delicate white flowers circling the front porch. Erica walked down the front steps dressed in her usual red and black attire, undeniably pretty, but not doing much for Benny’s heart strings other than inciting the usual fear that she might drain him. 

“You look nice,” he attempted, opening up her door for her. He may not have been very enthusiastic but he was still going to at least try to be a gentleman. It wasn’t Erica’s fault he was having some confusing feelings about himself. 

“I know,” she smirked, folding one leg over the other as he walked back around to the drivers side. Then, almost as if to begrudgingly correct herself, she added, “Thanks.” 

Benny hadn’t even bothered to change clothes after school. 

“What movie is it that you wanted to see?” He asked as he started driving. She reached over to grab the aux cable so she could play some music to fill the inevitable awkward silence. 

“It’s called ‘Temporary Permanence’ it’s just a stupid rom-com,” She answered, scrolling around on her phone until she seemed to finally settle on a song. “Sarah and I started going to them kind of as a joke to make fun of them but sometimes they’re not so bad.” 

“Oh, cool,” Benny responded, keeping his focus on the road. He couldn’t really be more disinterested, but he was really trying not to be rude. “Maybe this one won’t suck.” 

“Yeah,” she says, looking out the window. “Maybe.” 

Neither of them say much else for the rest of the ride. Benny had known it was going to be awkward, he just hadn’t prepared for it to be this bad. As he had realized when he’d asked her out earlier, they’d never really spent much time together without at least one of their other friends present, and the added pressure of an actual date with a girl he was sure he had virtually nothing in common with was weighing on him pretty heavily. 

Frankly, he also just kind of wished he was hanging out with Ethan instead, but that was a given, and it was besides the point. And it went without saying that he would rather not think about that fact too much if he could avoid it. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

About twenty minutes into the movie, it was decided between the both of them that the movie wasn't all that good, and was therefore worth making fun of. 

Benny had kind of made a game out of trying to get Erica to laugh in an attempt to make things at least a little less awkward between them for the rest of the night. His attempts could have easily been making things even worse, but it was better than nothing, he supposed. 

“I think the more self aware these movies get, the worse they are,” He pointed out “It’s like-- they’re trying so hard not to be the thing that they are that it comes off inauthentic. If you’re going to be a bad movie, at least be genuine.”

It wasn’t so much a joke as it was an observation, and perhaps it was sort of an ironic thing to say considering the circumstance he was in, but he stood by it, for the movie’s sake at least. 

“Yeah,” Erica said in a delayed reply, almost a full minute later. “I guess.” 

He could sense that she wasn’t really into whatever it was that he was doing, so he figured he’d just ride out the rest of the movie in a painful silence.

Not long after he’d decided to take a vow of silence, though, he began to hear a faint sniffling to the left of him. 

Benny glanced over at Erica carefully as not to alert her that he was looking at her, and took note of the way the reflection of the screen was distorted across her face by the tears that were slowly trailing their way down her cheeks. 

He wouldn’t be so concerned about it if the movie they were watching had any emotional depth at all, but that wasn’t the case, and Erica wasn’t the type of person who made a habit out of crying in front of other people, either. 

“Hey,” He signaled to herquietly, nudging his shoulder against hers gently. “You okay?” 

Benny watched as her expression quickly changed from vulnerably somber to pointedly annoyed and borderline furious. She was quick to put distance between them by leaning away from where their shoulders were touching, before abruptly standing up from her seat and turning to leave. 

“Woah, Erica, seriously, what’s wrong?” He asked again, standing up after her, trying his best to keep up with her pace as she made her way out of their row and down the stairs. 

“Stop asking me that!” she sternly whispered over her shoulder, speeding up, making it fully out of the dark theater and leaving him behind. 

He couldn't find it in himself to let her go cry it out by herself like that, even if they weren’t very close and this date was kind of all for show, he still considered her a friend and he didn’t want to make her feel worse by not at least offering to listen to what was wrong. 

Eventually, he cought up with her outside, where she was sitting very un-Erica like on the curb in front of the ticket booth, hugging her knees and looking down at her shoes. Reluctantly, he made his way over and sat down next to her, leaving enough room to escape if he really needed to, but not so much as to seem impersonal.  
She didn't aknowledge his presence, but didn't seem to reject it either, so he just sat there quietly, giving her room to calm down. 

“This was my first date,” he confessed after a moment, looking out across the parking lot instead of at her. He can feel her glaring back at the side of his head. 

“No shit,” She laughed wetly, gently wiping her tears on the corner of her sleeve. 

“Cut me some slack. I didn’t think I was doing so bad,” he jokes. “What gives?” 

“This is so stupid,” she sighes, picking at loose string on the hem of her shirt. “I know you didn’t really want to do this with me today.” 

He starts to object, but quickly decides against it, knowing Erica is too smart to fall for whatever excuse he could come up with. 

“Just... thanks for coming, even if you had better shit to do. I just really miss my best friend, and hanging out with her. I know it’s fucking pathetic, and it’s only been a week, but it just really hit me in there. I was just supposed to do this with her. And I know you were trying your best to not make it awful, and I do appreciate it, but I’ve known you long enough to realize that you’re not really into whatever this is.” 

“The movie? Nah, not really my genre,” he responds, knowing full well that’s not what she meant. 

“Not what I meant.” 

They’re both quiet for a while, just marinating in the uncomfortable new reality they’ve found themselves in. 

After a while, Benny speaks up again. 

“Look, I know how you feel. I’ve felt like I’m going completely nuts without Ethan. And yeah, it is kind of stupid. He’s actually the reason I asked you, he told me to, even.” He doesn’t mention the bet, he doesn’t want to make her feel even worse. “It’s like I practically don’t know who I’m supposed to be anymore without him beside me all the time. But I don’t want to just sit around letting myself be completely miserable and alone, feeling sorry for myself all the time, either. And I’d rather not give Ethan a reason to realize just how bummed out and pathetic I am without him around. He thinks you’d make me happy, so, here we are.” 

The last thing Benny wants is to take advantage of Erica’s vulnerable emotional state, but it would be awfully convenient to fill all the new gaps in his free time spending time with Erica, who is great, instead of being jealous of Sarah. 

Erica nodded in agreement, her face expressionless as she zoned out. Benny could tell she was still paying attention, though. 

“I didn’t really want to come today, either,” she confessed in return, finally turning to face him. “I sort of just agreed to come hoping it’d piss Sarah off; me hanging out with someone that wasn’t her, to get her back. But I don’t think she really cares that much. She’s never been as territorial of our friendship as I have. Maybe I’m just selfish, I don’t know,” she adds, her tone dejected. “But I didn’t hate hanging out with you. You’re pretty alright for a dork.” 

“Maybe we should do this more often, then,” Benny suggested, wringing his fingers nervously. Maybe he wasn’t really romantically attracted to her anymore, but he was still allowed to be afraid of rejection. “I mean, it would just kind of make sense. Since our best friends are dating.”

“I’m so out of your league, Weir,” She quipped, chuckling lightheartedly. 

“Trust me, Jones, I’m aware. We aren’t even playing the same sport,” He assured her, with a laugh at his own expense. “I just don’t want to be alone. And I don’t think you do either.”

And of course Benny knows the goal should not be to make Ethan and Sarah jealous in return, but it was definitely a potential bonus of the proposal. 

“I guess it doesn’t necessarily have to be entirely romantic,” She ponders, tilting her head. “We don’t have to label it, we can just hang out and play it up for Ethan and Sarah’s sake.” 

“Then here’s to more not-dates in our future,” Benny said, raising an invisible glass in a toast. Erica rolled her eyes before begrudgingly mirroring the gesture. 

“A toast to not-boyfriends, not-girlfriends, and to potentially making our friends jealous,” she added, clinking their invisible glasses together. 

Maybe the bet had worked a little in his favor after all.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little shorter I think? so sorry about that. Also I was slightly drunk while editing this so if you catch a super aparent mistake no you didn't <3

After he dropped Erica off back at her house, he had wanted nothing more than to just pass out and leave worrying about the implications of his new situation for tomorrow, but his plan was quickly uprooted by a phone call from Ethan flashing across his screen right as he crossed the threshold of his bedroom. 

“Hey, man, what’s up?” he answered quickly, happy to at least be getting a call from him, even if he knew it was probably just to ask about how things went with Erica. Which he didn’t really want to discuss, but he realized it was going to be unavoidable. 

“Just calling to see if you might want to come hang out for a while. Sarah had to do something with her parents.” 

Benny’s stomach turns approximately a hundred flips. Ethan hadn’t asked him to just hang out in over a week. Even if he kind of felt like he was being used as a back up plan to hanging out with Sarah, the offer had made him flush with excitement. The level of excitement he was feeling was a bit confusing, but he put it off as just missing Ethan and ignoring the notion that it could mean anything else. 

“Yeah, sure, I can come over. Did you need help with the calc assignment or something?” He asked, doubt creeping in. 

He knew he shouldn’t feel like this, like the only reason his own best friend would want to hang out with him anymore would be because he needed something. He knew how ridiculous he was, Ethan had only been dating Sarah a week, and he’d been chasing after her for three years, of course he was going to get completely wrapped up in her world for a while. But still, Benny couldn’t stop the dull pang of jealousy that gnawed at the edges of his heart every time he so much as imagined Ethan spending time with her. 

“No, I’ve got that, I just figured you’d want to talk about how tonight went,” Ethan answered. 

“Oh,” Benny sighed, the happy feeling he’d had only moments before quickly sinking. Of course that’s why. “Yeah, it was fine. It was good. We’ll probably hang out again, I don’t know.” 

“Is everything okay?” Ethan pushed. Even if he’d been distant, he was still his best friend. Benny should have known Ethan would be able to tell something was off. 

He makes a quick attempt to fix his tone. 

“Yeah, totally. Everythings fine. We really did have a good time, honest. Thanks for giving me a push, man,” He lied through his teeth. “I'm just tired,” he added, yawning theatrically to sell the charade. 

“You don’t have to come if you’re tired, dude. We can catch up another time if you want,” Ethan sympathized, sinking Benny’s spirits even further. 

“Uh, yeah, that’s fine. Another time. I’ll see you at school tomorrow, then,” Benny replied, running a hand through his already unruly hair. 

“See you, get some rest, okay,” Ethan said, his tone genuine. 

Benny hung up, falling back onto his bed and tossing his phone to the side. He ran his hands down his face, an overwhelming feeling of exhaustion sweeping across his whole body. There was no elegant way to describe how much this sucked; having to pretend to be content with Erica for Ethan’s sake, so he didn’t worry, when all he wanted was to be able to go back to how things were before. He just wanted to feel normal again. 

He’d always hated crying, but right now he was just far too tired to bother trying to stop. 

He missed when feelings were simple, not so complex and overlapping. He wished emotions and relationships could be as easy as they were in the movies like the one he and Erica had just seen, where everyone says exactly what they’re feeling because they understand exactly who they are, and exactly what the people around them mean to them by the end. 

He was now staring at a line in the sand between his certain jealousy over time that was being spent without him, and his potential jealousy of the exact context in which the time was being spent with someone who’s place he might wish he could take for just a glimpse of what it might feel like to be admired by Ethan. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

In a semi-desperate fit of loneliness the night before, Benny had texted Erica after wallowing in his own self pity for a while, and asked if she wanted to ride to school with him the next morning, and she’d agreed. 

“Do we walk in together?” He asked as he pulled his car into his usual parking spot. 

Benny and Ethan used to carpool every day in shifts, and the two parking spots they’d claimed as theirs were right in front of each other. There had not been a single day in the last two years that both of the spots had been full at one time until recently. 

“Why does it have to be a big deal? Just because we rode to school together doesn’t mean we’re betrothed or something, God,” Erica moaned, climbing out of the passenger seat. 

“Sorry, I don’t know,” Benny defended, following suit. “I’m just new at this, I’m not used to...being perceived with someone.”

“You and Ethan have literally walked in together every day for two years straight,” Erica pointed out, carefully applying lipstick as they walked with practiced ease. “Though, now that I mention it, a few people did assume you kind of had a thing.” 

“Wow, Erica, that really does make me feel so much better, thank you-- thank you so much for that,” Benny remarked, sarcasm coating his entire demeanor as he opened up the door for them. 

“Just buck up and walk inside with me. We’re friends, and people unfortunately know that we’re friends, nobody is going to care,” She promised, leading the way, expecting him to follow. 

Ethan would care, though, Benny thought. He’d ask him a million questions that all had similar answers about it later, Benny was sure. But Erica was also right, it wasn’t that big of a deal, and this is what was best for everyone, he was going to have to get comfortable with it eventually. 

He made a split second decision to rip off the inevitable bandaid and unceremoniously grabbed onto Erica’s hand. 

“This okay?” He quietly asked. 

“It’s kind of sweaty,” She observes. He goes to pull his hand away but she gives him an out of character reassuring squeeze. “But it’s fine. If you want to be ‘perceived’ with me, or whatever.” 

Holding hands with Erica wasn’t awful, but it also wasn’t amazing. He felt perfectly neutral about it, actually. The only thing that was making him nervous is what other people might think. He knew Erica was way out of his league, and even if it was just for show, he knew there would be people thinking she could do much better. Which he knew, but it still didn’t feel very good to think about, even if he didn’t truly want to be with her for real. 

As soon as they make it to Erica’s locker, they’re approached by Sarah. 

“You guys were holding hands,” She commented, eyes wide in surprise. Which hurts Benny’s feelings much less coming from Sarah than it would from anyone else. “No offense but I didn’t really expect it to work out yesterday.” 

“Maybe you’re not the only one with a soft spot for nerds,” Erica countered, punctuating her sentence by opening her locker. 

“Hey,” Benny halfheartedly objected. 

“Where is your other half anyway?” Erica questioned, putting her things away. 

“He’s already in first period,” Sarah answered, not seeming to pick up onn Erica’s negative energy. “Hey,” she started again after a brief pause in conversation. “I’m happy you guys are hanging out more. I think it’s great.” 

Benny could confidently say he knew exactly how Erica was feeling in that moment, like she was being pawned off to someone else for substitute attention while Sarah spent less and less time with her. And whatever guilt Sarah may have had about it gets brushed away with the knowledge that at least she’s got someone else to exist next to. Which is exactly why Ethan chose the condition that he did for their bet. 

He reached down and squeezed Erica’s hand again. Not for show this time, but for comfort. She offers a quick pulse of gratitude in return. 

“It is great. Less lonely,” Benny agreed, attempting to dissolve the ever thickening tension in the air. 

“Maybe we should all go on a double date sometime! Maybe next weekend or something?” Sarah suggested. 

Benny could sense that Erica was put off by the idea, and he had to agree with her. 

“We’re just keeping it casual,” he blurted out. “I mean, we’re just having fun. No labels, whatever. But maybe! That sounds-- sounds like a good time,” he finished, stumbling over his words. Erica gave him a concerned glance from the side. Being a clumsy conversationalist was Benny’s version of playing it cool, and it was much easier to fake nonchalance for Sarah than it would have been for Ethan. 

“Oh-kay,” Sarah responded, slightly suspicious. “I’ll see you guys later, then.” 

Erica let out a deep sigh. 

“You okay?” He asked, turning to face her as he adjusted his bag over his shoulder. 

“Yeah, fine,” She huffed, closing her locker. “Things are just weird with Sarah. It’s like I don’t know how to even talk to her right now. Thank you, though, for getting rid of her, I guess.” 

“I totally feel the same way,” Benny confessed. “I just get super clammed up around Ethan now and he can instantly tell, it fucking sucks. And it's no problem, you seemed uncomfortable and I just wanted to help.” 

“We can help each other out then,” Erica suggested. “I’ll keep Ethan off your back, you keep Sarah off of mine.” 

Benny felt bad about it, but he knew it would work, and he knew it would hurt less for him. Either way, he was stuck at a crossroads between not wanting to push Ethan away and make him think he was upset with him, or just avoiding the confusing jealousy he was feeling from watching Ethan give all his attention and affection to someone else by simply pushing him away as much as he could. The later option was much more appealing. 

“Deal,” he responded, holding out his hand to seal the arrangement with a handshake. 

As awkward as things were with Erica, he was mostly glad they’d ended up stuck together. The bond they had was unconventional, sure, but they were at least both benefiting from it, so neither of them had to feel like they were taking advantage of the other. And she wasn’t the worst person he could imagine himself stuck with. Maybe it wouldn’t be all bad; maybe they’d end up happy somewhere down the line. Maybe pretending to be okay would turn into the real thing, and they could just be. 

It was a nice thought, but something about it still didn’t sit right with him. However, there were too many other things to worry about besides his weird emotional and physical detachment from whatever it was he and Erica had together. 

Deep down, he knew the truth about why he was feeling this way, but accepting that truth would cut way deeper than the dull blade of denial.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this update took so long! I'm starting to write the chapters as I go instead of in chunks, and I've been working a lot lately. This chapter was both really fun and really hard to write. I hope it isn't too repetitive, and I hope you guys like it! And thank you to everyone who's left comments! I really really really appriciate it!

“Do you think you could use a spell to temporarily dye my hair? Just so I could see what it would look like?” Erica asked, hanging upside down across Benny’s Bed while he sat at his desk finishing up some homework. 

“You’d trust me to do magic on you? Near your face?” Benny countered, spinning around to face her. “Who are you?” 

“Good point,” she agreed, huffing out a sigh while swinging herself up to a seated position. He guessed, theoretically she could hang like that forever if she wanted to, though. “Do you know photoshop, then?” 

“Ethan does,” Benny remarked, unable to keep the bitter tone out of his voice at the mention of the other boy. 

Things were still weird with them. Frankly, things were weird, period, from where Benny was standing. For the past couple months, he and Erica had spent almost every day together; half out of convineince and half because they genuinley liked spending time together occasionally. Sometimes Rory would join the mix, if he wasn’t off visiting Jesse or hanging out with Sarah and Ethan. Benny had made a comment once that Rory was kind of like the child of divorced parents when it came to sharing his time between him and Erica and Ethan and Sarah. Sarah and Erica being the not so evil stepmothers. Rory hadn’t thought it was very funny. 

There were a few Friday evenings that all five of them hung out while Sarah was watching Jane, but it was never very enjoyable for Benny. There was all this pressure for him and Erica to act like a couple; holding hands, pseudo-flirting, and even the occasional kiss on the cheek. It wasn’t that it was gross or something, he couldn’t really say he hated it, he mostly just felt nothing. And Erica was super hard to read and never really wanted to talk about her feelings so he couldn’t be sure how it made her feel either, so they just kept doing it for the benefit of their charade. 

“Have you ever kissed a girl?” Erica asked suddenly, twirling a piece of her blonde hair around her finger while staring at it puzzled, as if she was still pondering what color she might like to dye it. It was almost like she could read his mind. He wasn’t sure if that was a real thing she could do, and at this point he was too afraid to ask. 

“Yeah, tons,” He joked sarcastically, moving to sit next to her on his bed. “Why do you ask?” 

She shrugged her shoulders, abandoning the piece of hair between her fingers. “Just wondering. You’ve just never tried to kiss me.” 

“I never thought you wanted to,” he explained, puzzleded. It seemed like they had always been on the same page about their arrangement. What they had was out of convenience, necessity, not out of genuine romantic attraction. It was both a real relationship, given the sheer amount of time they spent together alone, and a pretend one, since they mostly played it up in front of their friends because they truly believed it would make things easier for everyone involved if they were a couple. 

Erica shrugged again. “I don’t know, maybe I do,” she confessed. “I mean, we don’t know how long we’re going to have to keep this up, right?”

“Right,” Benny agreed, furrowing his eyebrows, confused as to where she could be going with her tangent. 

“I mean, don’t you think it’s a little bit of a waste of time that we’re not hooking up at all?” 

Benny chokes on nothing. 

“I don’t mean like that,” She assured him, rolling her eyes. “I’m just bored, and I haven’t been kissed in a really long time. Forget I said anything, if you want, I don’t care.” 

Benny though about it for a second. He still hadn’t quite been able to fully wrap his head around why he doesn’t really feel attracted to Erica, so maybe kissing her would jump start his feelings back to a convenient enough place to ignore the feelings he might possibly have for Ethan. And Erica was right, there was no real end in sight, and they both enjoyed the other’s company enough to keep things going this long, so why not cross the line? What else did they have to lose? 

“Okay,” Benny whispered with a nod. “Okay, yeah, you’re right. We can kiss. If that’s what you want.” 

“We don’t have to-- I mean, if you don’t like it we can stop,” she reassured him, turning to face him fully. 

“Are you... nervous? Or something?” He asked. 

“No!” She shot back, almost defensively. “I just...don’t want to make you uncomfortable, or whatever.” 

Before all this started, he never would have expected Erica to care one way or another if he was comfortable or not, but over the past couple months he’d gotten the chance to get to know the softer side of Erica jones, and he had to admit he was really glad they’d gotten the chance to get closer, despite the circumstance. 

“Okay,” he affirmed, mentally preparing himself. He couldn’t argue that he wasn’t scared. This had the potential to change everything, and he didn’t think he wanted it to. He already felt pressured to make things seem real with Erica when they were around their other friends, he didn’t want it to be like that when they were alone, too. But maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe it wouldn’t make him ache so badly, wishing she were someone else, making his insides erode with guilt for feeling things that seemed unfair and for not being honest with himself or others about those feelings. 

He’d seen people kiss before, in movies and on TV, obviously, but it never seemed so mechanical as this had. The two of them just sort of sat there for a while with their lips touching, not moving an inch. The all consuming nothingness Benny felt didn’t make him feel any better or worse. It didn’t make him feel anything at all. 

They eventually found some semblance of a rhythm, and Erica clearly seemed to know what she was doing. Benny almost felt bad it wasn’t doing anything for him. It wasn’t that it was bad, really, it just wasn’t special, it didn’t give him butterflies or make him wish it would never end, it just plain and simply was. 

Erica seemed to get bored with it after a while, and Benny was grateful, as his jaw was starting to get sore. She unceremoniously separated their mouths and flopped backwards onto Benny’s bed again with a half-contented sigh. He followed shortly after, staring at the ceiling. 

“So?” She asked after a while, glancing over at him with an unreadable expression. 

“It was certainly a kiss,” he responded to the ceiling. It was all he could think to say. 

“I’ve never kissed a boy,” Erica confessed, also to the ceiling. Benny was shocked, but didn’t express it. “Nobody noticed me before I turned. Sarah was literally the only person I ever talked to. All the dates I’ve been on since then have been strictly for dietary purposes. I’ve never kissed a single one, I wasn’t even interested in it. I’m sorry for lying about it before, I don’t know, this whole thing is just fucked up and weird.” 

“Hey, it’s okay,” Benny offered, taking her hand. “Dating is pretty overrated, I think.” 

“It’s a good thing we’re not dating, then,” she sniffled. He hadn’t realized she’d been crying. 

“Yeah,” he agreed. “We’re not so bad at this not dating thing. Y’know, for two people that, for all intents and purposes, are most definitely dating.” 

“Yeah,” she deadpanned, swallowing down whatever tears she hadn’t let escape yet. He didn’t want to push her on it. It seemed like she may have needed this, and he didn’t want to fuck that up for her. “I don’t mind that so much, I don’t suppose. I don’t hate not feeling so fucking lonely.” 

Despite the all consuming nothing he felt lingering between them every time they did something that bordered on intimacy, he was content enough with Erica. He could be with her, if she wanted that; if she needed that. She was his friend, and he wanted her to be happy, for her not to feel as abandoned and alone as he felt. They needed each other, if only just to help each other pretend that even though the world after Ethan and Sarah was unrecognizable, they could still be okay. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Dude, did you not get my texts?” Ethan greeted him at his locker the following morning after he’d walked Erica to her first period. 

"No, sorry, I was hanging out with Erica last night,” he explained, his focus more on grabbing his books out of his locker than whatever it was Ethan was so jittery over. He was mostly jittery over Sarah these days, which Benny didn’t really care to hear about. And if he wasn’t jittery over Sarah, he was asking about how things were with Erica. It was an endless fucking loop and Benny was getting motion sickness from trying to keep up with it instead of just letting himself be annoyed. He really missed when they had more to talk about than their girlfriends. He missed how things were before they were expected to have girlfriends. “Did you see the trailer for that new RPG? It looks sick,” he began, hoping to spark a conversation that was about anything they hadn’t been talking about for the past few months. 

“Sarah and I slept together.” 

He had said it so quickly, Benny could almost pretend he hadn’t heard it, but he had. It hung in the air between them for quite some time without either of them making any effort to push it out of the way or acknowledge that it was even there. It was almost like Ethan knew the news would make Benny sick to his stomach to hear. 

Benny started walking without a word.

“I wanted to call you about it last night, but you were busy. It was kind of awkward, I guess, but I guess it was nice too. It felt pathetically cheesy, but, nice, I guess. Like I said. I just wanted to tell you,” Ethan finally continued and broke the silence, walking alongside Benny after he had tried to make an escape. "You're really important to me, I wanted you to know." 

“Yeah,” Benny answered with an empty nod. “Thats...” he trailed off, staring at the ugly tiled floors against his scuffed up shoes. “That’s really cool, for you guys.” 

He kept walking without saying anything else, hoping Ethan might get the hint that he had no interest in hearing about his awesome sexual awakening with his girlfriend when Benny couldn't even enjoy kissing his own. Which he of course hadn’t told him about. But that was besides the point. 

He couldn’t be completely sure if he was only jealous of the principle of the enjoying an intimate experience or if it was jelousy of something that would hurt even worse if he let himself accept it. He didn’t want to think about it. He just kept walking. 

“Hey, are you okay? Are you and Erica okay?” Ethan pushed, almost sprinting to keep up with the taller boy’s strides. 

“Jesus! We’re fine!” Benny exploded. All his pent up resentment towards his friend and his new relationship finally bubbling to the surface. He felt a guilty pang in his gut at the look on Ethan’s face following his sudden outburst, but he was too overwhelmed and upset himself to try and console him. “Just-- not everything is about my stupid relationship! I don’t spend every waking moment thinking about the next moment I’ll get to spend with her! And it’s not a fucking crime to be a person outside of the person I am when I’m with her! But I’m happy for you though, I am, really, E. I just fucking miss how things were before you got bitten by the God damned love bug. I fucking miss my best friend.” 

“Benny--” Ethan choked out, reaching out to grab his friend by the shoulder and just missing as he picked up the pace. 

“I’m sorry,” Benny sighed, dejeted. “Just forget it. Fuck, I’m sorry.”


End file.
